Body and health: 2020 Quieted My Inner World

srijeda, 30. prosinca 2020.

2020 Quieted My Inner World

From the Editors: Lessons Learned in 2020

2020 hasn't been an easy year for anyone. The Verywell Family, Fit, and Mind editors look back to reflect on their biggest challenges of the year and anticipate what's to come in 2021.

Kate Nelson, Associate News Editor

I really hate to admit this but pre-pandemic Kate was addicted to chaos. I loved instability and chasing dopamine highs or mini adrenaline rushes wherever I could find them. And no, I wasn't doing drugs or anything blatantly unsafe, I was merely behaving how society expects me to by trapping myself in a web of constant stimuli.

It's easy to do as a twenty something in New York City. There's always somewhere loud to be, someone else to be with, or something to consume that keeps your adrenaline levels just high enough to suppress whatever feelings might be lurking underneath.

It wasn't until I found myself crying on the floor of my childhood bedroom a week into lockdown that I knew I had to address my untreated depression and ADHD. Because I no longer had access to the coping mechanisms I'd always relied on I was forced to actually look at myself.

And I think a lot of people experienced this. I hadn't experienced the devastation of the virus itself, but it was the 'great pause' during our collective quarantine that shed light on my inability to simply be with myself. It's sort of like that feeling you get when you're alone somewhere and you realize you forgot your phone and you suddenly feel super anxious because you don't know how to be alone. I don't mean to come off as privileged or insensitive with this metaphor—because forgetting your phone is far from a tragedy—but stay with me here:

First you worry you're missing out on something and bummed you have nothing to entertain yourself with. You occasionally indulge the impulse of reaching into your pocket, only to realize this is still your unfortunate reality. But soon you start to settle into whatever space you're occupying and notice your surroundings, you take some deep breaths and feel your heart beating. Maybe you strike up a conversation with the person who's been sitting next to you this whole time. Slowly you start to ground yourself and choose to embrace a moment without distraction where you can reflect. And it was only when I finally stopped to truly listen to my own emotions did I seek out the help I so badly needed.

This year has been horribly trying for millions and millions of people, but even after everyone is vaccinated there will still be so much healing to be done. 2020 unearthed a lot of nasty things and highlighted the help we need as a nation, pandemic aside. If we hadn't gone through this period of reconciliation together we might never have noticed, and we would've just continued scrolling through instagram or playing candy crush, ignoring ourselves or the larger problem.

So while yes, 2020 sucked a whole lot, and was a nightmare in countless ways, I'm grateful for the quieting of my inner world. I could write pages of rambling reflections but I'll leave you with this; if 2020 has taught me anything, it's that groundedness isn't something to flee from, that simplicity doesn't make you boring, and that there's a whole lot of healing in spaces devoid of dopamine.