Knowing Your Attachment Style Can Help You Navigate Your Relationships

Attachment theory says that our early childhood experiences influence our development and, specifically, the relationships we have with others.

Let's take five minutes to see this week in a new light. By Wendy Rose Gould & Amy Morin, LCSW, Editor-in-Chief Top of Mind What Are Attachment Styles?   You might be familiar with the five love languages, but are you versed in attachment styles? Developed by renowned psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory says that our early childhood experiences influence our development and, specifically, the relationships we have with others.   Experiences we have later in life can also impact, or even change, our attachment style. Bowlby found there are three primary types: secure, ambivalent, and avoidant. Another type (disorganized) was added later. Understanding your attachment style can help you navigate your relationships with more self-awareness.   The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature."  — JOHN BOWLBY, PSY.   Secure Adults with a secure attachment style generally feel trusting in relationships and enjoy long-lasting bonds. They also tend to have positive self-esteem, are OK being vulnerable with others, and often seek out social support. As children, people with secure attachment styles often had positive, loving experiences with their parents where they felt like their needs were met.  Avoidant Someone with avoidant (insecure) attachment style may experience intimacy issues, be hesitant to invest in social and romantic relationships, and be reticent to share their feelings. In that sense, they are prone to avoiding bonds. As children, those with avoidant attachment style might not have felt like they could rely on their parents and therefore didn't seek out their care. Ambivalent An ambivalent (insecure) attachment might present as someone who is reluctant to become close with others, worries that their partner doesn't care for or love them, and becomes distraught when a relationship ends. As children, they may show considerable distress when their parent is gone, but may not be reassured by them when they return.   Disorganized This final attachment style was added later. People with this attachment style often experience some form of childhood trauma or extreme inconsistencies in growing up, which leads to a difficulty in creating healthy coping strategies.   On the Bright Side Ways to Stay Positive This Week Ways to Nurture Your Mind and Body  Today, take 10 minutes to write down some of the default coping strategies you use in your relationships—romantic or otherwise. What usually happens when you deploy this strategy? Are you open to trying a new alternative that could help create a positive pathway for dialogue? Next, write down a few ways you can foster vulnerability and connection in your relationships, such as talking about a positive moment or a worry in your life or taking time to express your love or care. Are you interested in exploring more about attachment theory? Amir Levine's book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment, walks you through the different types in detail, helps you determine your attachment style, and offers guidance to create healthy, lasting relationships. If you're more of an aural learner, listen to the Secure and Insecure Attachment episode from Dr. Rick Hanson's Being Well Podcast. It explores the spectrum of confidence, why we care about others' opinions, how to feel secure in a relationship, and how our attachment style relates to all the above.   This Week on The Verywell Mind Podcast   On tomorrow's episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, I talk with business professor Katy Milkman about the science of lasting behavior change.    Tune in to hear her easy-to-understand strategies for changing your habits and getting from where you are today to where you want to be.   Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / RSS Read These Next The Importance of Early Emotional Bonds READ NOW What Is an Attachment Disorder? READ NOW How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence READ NOW Spread the Light Share the newsletter with someone you know to make their day a little brighter. SHARE We're open to suggestions! If you have any feedback about this newsletter, let us know at feedback@verywell.com.     You are receiving this newsletter because you subscribed to the Healthy Mind newsletter. If you wish to unsubscribe, please click here. If someone forwarded you this email, you can subscribe here!   A DOTDASH BRAND 28 Liberty Street, 7th Floor, New York, NY, 10005   © 2021 Verywellmind.com - All rights reserved. Privacy Policy